I want a cookie.

I enjoy writing. For pretty much no purpose. I find it satisfying that my ideas are written here. As opposed to it simply being in my head. I think i write because the words i write agree with what i think. When i re-read it it rings true in my head. So its a kind of mental masturbation i think.

I once had a conversation with my principal at my first highschool. My dad absolutely hates his guts, and while im not fond of him i really don't care for him either way. I forget what most of the conversation entailed, but in retrospect i can see that he had the knowledge at the time that i was getting kicked out. The important part of that conversation was when i asked him how he thought my mind worked. I was serious, but in that lightly serious kind of way because i knew he would get me all wrong. I allowed him to completely finish without interupting him. And so he explained to be that he thought that i look at the world as a very dark and nasty place because of a horrible experiance in my past or im just doing it because i have a complex of sorts that causes me to see only negative things. So i look at the entire world as one big negative pool, a hopeless pool of negativity. If he ever reads this, and wants to clarify, he can email me. But forgive me, that is all i remeber. Please don't look at what i said as proof of my negative outlook on life if i missed alot. My memory is really shakey.

However based on that, i think its a kind of pet peeve. My only pet peeve that i know of. It's a pet peeve that i got kicked out, because he said that on out next visit together i would explain to him how i really am. So i never got to fucking explain to him how i really am. So to him, he was right, and i will never get my opinion in to possibly change this idea. Maybe if i thought about it some more it would turn into a major psychotic fucking hatred like the rest of my hates of things. But right now it's just not inspiring much anger.

I am dark and cynical for a few key reason. Well many key reasons. First thing is that the cruelty of children when i was growing up lead me to hate people simply out of spite. I tend to not trust young people. Even something really simple, and innocent i assume has some kind of malicious undercurrent. That is true of people i dont know. I trust my friends almost to a fault. They could very well lead me to my death if they wanted to, and honestly, i wouldn't mind if they did. Also people who are overtly stupid i tend to distrust more. It may seem that im shifting the blame to them with the next assessment but i will admit it is probablly just a complex of mine. I believe that stupid people who don't know me are untrustworthy, and i fear them, because i am strange(look weird, talk weird, act weird), and i think they fear and hate me because of this. Yet i specifically try to appear weird. It is interesting to me, yet i think it is just another flaw of mine. It may make sense when we go back to another Key Reason.

So when i was growing up i was treated very cruelly by the people i was growing up around. Not my parents. My parents were great. The kids at school, the kids at all my social get togethers. I started out blindly happy, and through a small lifetime of cruelty in the days before highschool it changed me. It wasn't much in lower elementary and upper elementary. Those years were just a small despairing thing which i and most people just delt with. It really hit me during 8th grade(i think). It was in guardior. I remeber distinctly during the first day that i was trying to make a good first impression. The result of which was simply the WORST first impression that anyone could have imagined short of being crucified in the middle of class. People there were so cruel to me, over the period of one school year that it drastically changed me.

Cruel is the best way to describe it. It isn't that physically painful, it is just a very subtle feeling that builds over time. From being insulted, and treated badly by people, from being rejected. Ect ect ect. I'm sure that everyone knows how cruel children can be. This is, i think, because they are young and do not yet know how painful being treated as such can be. How influential it can be. They do not know shame yet. They teach each other shame. So i guess school is just one big definition for shame and cruelty.

So when i came to highschool i once again wanted to get a good first impression. This time i didn't talk to anyone. I spoke in class only when asked questions. I tried not to interact with people. Well it worked. It worked better than anything i had ever tried before. It wasn't perfect but it was okay. My face is permently drawn into an angry scowl due to the cruelty, but that only went to help me be safe in highschool.

Well, the next key reason is that my family was never really big on the whole religion thing. My parents are very intelligent and although they both believe(d) in god they are highly skeptical about it in practical situations. I never went to church, i never learned anything about god from them. Anything i learned about god i learned from TV and books. I learned about god from other people. So through a combination of total ignorence of religion and a huge amount of cruelty through childhood i never really came to believe in that value of life stuff. It isn't that i hate life, it's just that i never learned the concept of the value of life. It is only a concept. Because my mother was very compassionate towards animals i value the life of animals on a gut level, but not on a mental level. I deprogrammed myself out of alot of things mentally.

So i lived a life where nothing was really sacred. Lessons about the sacredness of things never happened for me.
Okay so lets recap, nothing is sacred for me, im highly skeptical, i was treated very cruelly by people. If i was a catholic, and i was heavily taught and endoctrined i probabally would have turned out like my friend Falcon.

The next big factor is that i logic'd away alot of things. I use logic to explain away my faults, i use it to understand myself. I use it to make peace with the world. I also use it to make sense of the world. I have broken down so many walks of life into logic that it reinforces my "nothing is sacred" belief. Also i find that through my logic i can move the blame of many of my faults onto human nature. Shifting the blame is comforting. Because of my extreme logic i often break down things so much that they become grey and soulless. This is very threatening to the rest of the world. I do it because i can finally find peace with myself through it. I can logic away many things, including guilt and shame.

Going back to that weird flaw of mine, that paradox where i caused alot of my own pain by being weird but i do it anyway intentionally. There are two parts to this. One part is logic, the other part is spite. I am highly intelligent, and i like to learn. I happen to know many things because i enjoy knowing science and literature and physics and so on. I have this subtle resentment towards people for treating my so cruelly because of my weird behavior. So as a kind of revenge i try to act as strangely as i can get away with and they answer questions brilliantly and know material on a level that no one would ever expect out of a high school student. The point of which is to show that people who act weird arent bad. Maybe better. This is all pretty subconscious stuff which i only figured out RIGHT NOW. The other part of it is logic. I think that the logic part was what i figured out before i realized i do it mainly for revenge. The logic of it is that i like to confuse people. By acting strangely and then being brilliant. I didn't know why i liked to confuse people like that until now. 2 Other reasons are that if i act strangely people wont bother me, and sometimes i geniunely enjoy some behaviors which they label as strange.

Because of my highly logical attitude i tend to look at the entire world in a completely grey way. I look at it unbiased. When i do this i tell the truth. If i cannot tell the truth i admit that i am lying. This includes truths about myself and lies that i cannot help but tell myself. The truth i have found, through a totally unbiased outlook, simply is dark and cynical to the rest of the world. It appears dark and cynical to the rest of the normal world. The world where things are sacred. The next big factor is just my natural problems since i am a teenager. I got all those nasty hormones and chemicals swirling around in my body. I now appreciate my body as an ugly thing. At some point in my childhood i didn't have the capacity to understand the beauty of my own body, muchless the lack of it. Now i do. Also my body has natural hungers. Hunger for sex, which i can fix just fine with my own hands. But hungers which my hands can't fix are simply the desire of being close to another human. I desire cuddling with a passion. It seems, from where i am and how im feeling, that a mate would make so many things better. It would heal so much internal pain. There are also a good deal of nasty paradoxes which prevent me from reaching that goal. I don't think it is impossible, but getting there is a slow and painful process. The pain of being lonely is subtle and it lingers. On and on. So, in answer to my principles assessment of me. I do not have a really dark outlook on life. I have an unusually unbaised outlook on life. I am kind of negative because of the pains i have endured but those pains are nothing special which everyone else has probablly endured. This doesnt prevent me from being happy. I laugh, i enjoy life. I live better than most people ever do. I don't try to speak the negative. I try to speak the truth. It just sounds negative to you more normal people. I could understand someone who sees how well i live would tell me to shut up with all the negatively because i live such a wonderful life.

However i must speak, it is comforting to me. It is my own mental masturbation. Once again, this is simply a rant. It has no sentance structure, and probabally has a zillion grammar and spelling errors. It also isn't that well organized. I'll try to break it up into paragraphs or change the font to make it easier to read.

I also want some gatorade.