The scene was a hilly, grass covered area, with a barren path to serve as a trail. In the background a steady rhythm of breathing, thuds, and metal clanking against metal could be heard. A figure began to appear as it apparently climbed the hill. First a helment, and then a torso wearing a sword on its back, and then the rest of the soldier. The armor appeared very solid on the soldier, it did not bounce or sway in his step, it stuck firmly to him.

This was Lance Brinsfeld. Obviously a soldier or a mercenary or something. Either that or he just liked wearing fullbody armor when he commuted between towns. Perhaps he was a daring knight on his way to defeat some evil the town had sent him to rid them of, or was now at this very moment on a heroic quest and once again prove that heros were among us. Unfortunately he missed that bus and the actual reason he was trudging over hills was that the last town he was in ran out of liquor and outlawed prostitution.

At this point he was slightly miffed about having to walk to the next town, however when deciding to wear this armor it had slipped his mind that dragons and lizard beasts were very rare and not kindly taken to in this part of the world, muchless did he know where to find dragons or lizard beasts. He was happy that he turned down the stablekeepers offer to test his mighty prize horse when he asked him if he had any dragons or lizard beasts in stock because he would break a horse in half and then crush both halves.
However, this slight irritation of having to walk to the next town was greatly overshadowed by the sheer amazement that a town would just outlaw prostitution and then a week later somehow run out of liquor. He wondered if the events were related, he also wondered if the evens were actually an act of god to get him out of that town or some kind of miracle like that, but mostly he wondered what kind of god forsaken people would outlaw prostitution.

He tried to cope with it. He was a rather law abiding person, and he wanted to accept such a thing, he wanted to believe that his leaders were fair, just, and intelligent people who worked for the greater good of his citizens, but this no prostitution thing... He was having trouble getting his mind around the concept. But he had adjusted. He moved his big pile-o-crap which constituted all of his belongings away from just outside the whore house, to just outside the bar. One week later the bar ran out of alcohol. Before the bartender left, in his new carriage filled with personal slaves and wives, drawn by 2 large horses, to his new castle on the eastern part of the country, Lance asked him how a town could simply run out of liqour.

The former bartenders answer filled lance with suspicion and concern, "I dunno lance, perhaps the fields are drying up and not producing enough to be made into liqour," He paused taking a large breath of his cigar, "But personally i think it is due to some evil force moving in on the land. I mean, it must be the work of some evil for a town to run out of the liqour, certainly impossible otherwise." He explained to lance somberly before closing the door on the carriage and ordering his slaves to take him to paradise.

Lance was thinking hard about the coming days. What if such an evil force swept through the rest of the world. What if all towns and people were touched by this no-liqour evil. What would happen to mankind; the world! What would happen if the next town also outlawed prostitution. Lance decided that it would be best if he thought about nicer things. Like that at least he hadent left the town after obliterating one of their horses. He sighed as he continued to plant his feet in the ground.

After a good long time of walking lance suddenly felt strangely light headed. He stopped. He sensed something odd. Carefully he scanned the trail ahead, and carefully he scanned the horizon, he sniffed the air, he listened to the wind, he checked the ground for tracks. Harmless, worn trail. Untouched, unbroken horizon. It smelled of grasslands and early afternoon. The wind said it was doing just peachy too, and the ground had huge foot shaped holes in it right up to where lance was standing but untouched otherwise. It was seemless grassland from here to as far as the eye could see, with an occasional young sapling. Lance was doubtful even a rabbit could hide for 200 yards. So he decided that perhaps it was simply a lack of alcohol in his system and continued onward.

He took about 2 steps forward and suddenly the world was spinning and twisting, weird noises all over the place, and some kind of faint music... barely audible.
Lance: "AHHHHHHHHH"

Once the world had come backtogether into a coherent picture and lance had stopped screaming he was now face to face with a 15 foot tall, unspeakable, indescribable horror. Tentacles came from everywhere and writhed energetically, flicking drops of a sickly black liquid everywhere, while several large teeth filled orifices shifted and gnashed. A sickly howl/shriek came from the beast and then it was silent as many eyes fixed on lance.

Lance blinked. He slowly and carefully scanned the horizon and everything again, then shook his head vigurously, blinked hard, and looked again.

The hideously indescribable horror's many eyes blinked patiently waiting for Lance to get his bearings.

Lance: Uhh... Err... Good afternoon... uhh... hideously indescribable horror... thing.

The hideously indescribable horror shrieked/howled in an affirmative way.

Lance: So, umm, any special reason why you've... materialized... in the middle of a seemless, innoculet, grass covered meadow?

The hideously indescribable horror shrieked and howled and writhed its tentacles, and gnashed its teeth.

Lance: Ahh... but you see, i am not a tasty human snack, i wear this armor... which is very strong, and i don't think you'd like," Lance explained as the creature wrapped a tentacle around his leg, "me..."

The creature made a visible attempt at lifting lance up off the ground by one leg. Lance didn't move, his foot didn't even leave the crater where his foot was planted. So the creature wrapped another tentacle around and pulled again, he shook a little.

Lance: See, i'm no good for eating, god knows what it would be like a couple of days from now when you try to move me out of your system.

The creature then slapped all of its tentacles around various parts of lances body, and then in one great heave, managed to tip him over and drag him into one of its large mouths. It had to lean over so it could push the body into itself.

It tried to chew only once, some teeth bent, others broke off. It decided it was chewed enough and swallowed him.

The horribly indescribable horror shrieked/howled in a very satisfied, accomplished way, and then attempted to slither away. Most of it moved, but the back part of it was snagged and the entire creature tripped and smashed its face into the ground. Upon closer inspection it turned out that snagg was actually lance, inside its body, weighing it down. So it shrieked/howled in a grunting grumbling way and started dragging its body away.


------ A couple of days later -----


The creature shrieked and howled and made many unpleasent noises and with one tentacle took another piece of toilet paper off the roll and crushed it making even more painful sounding noises.

Muffled voice: I told you so.

The creature huffed and howled, and shieked and strained and finally with an enormous thud and a torrent of black liquid, a suit of armor, covered in various partially digested items and digestive juices, hit the ground.

Lance coughed, and spit out tons of black goo, and then sat down, and pulled off his solleretts and out rushed a torrent of black juice from every part of his armor.

Lance: Well i hope youre happy.

The hideously indescribable horror howled and shrieked in a consigned, apologetic way, and it began slinking along, obviously quivvering in pain.

Lance: Awww, don't be like that, i'm sure that normally you are an unstoppable death machine. listen, i suggest you stick to a diet of fleshy peasents for a while until that... you heal.

The hideously indescribable horror thankfully shrieked and howled at lance.

"By the way," Lance said, still getting pieces of partially digestive items out of various nooks and cranies of his body, "Would you happen to know of a town near by?"

The creature weakly pointed in some direction and then returned to cradling itself.

Lance thanked the creature and left. Occasionally he would cough up some more black liquid, and for a moment he feared that he'd never be totally rid of the goo, but it seemed to start drying off as he walked. He could see a clearing of some sort in the distance, and smoke orderly coming from somewhere behind the trees, after being inside the bowels of a huge amorphous horror for several days lance was feeling less than fresh and he was looking forward to being back to civilization.

One building was located in the far corner of a clearing inordinately large for one building. Lance growled and entered. Perhaps this was an inn, or maybe had someone in it whew knew where a river was around here.

There was a series of stools next to a long table, and a man behind the table rubbing a glass.
A Bar!!!
Moving swiftly but carefully lance sat at the bar and waited earnestly for the barkeeper to come serve him.

The barkeeper looked lance up and down doubtfully.

Barkeeper: Rather heavily armed for a traveler arent you?

Lance: I will have 4 quarts of your finest be-err what?

Barkeeper: My floor is made out of oak and you still managed to scuff it, how much do you weigh?

Lance: uhh... 2000 pounds, give or take a couple hundred.

The barkeeper blinked a few times and shook his head.

Barkeeper: You're only supposed to talk like that after you've spent a few hours here.

Lance: Just gimme some liquor dammit, i traveled from a distant town which ran out of liqour and on the way i was eaten by a hideously unspeakable indescribable horror so i am only interested in consuming 3 times my body weight in alcohol!!

The barkeeper stopped rubbing the glass with the cloth, put the glass down, and looked at the swordsman very seriously.

Barkeeper: Alright, i'll give you a beer, but only if i can have your sword while you're staying here, insanity and sharp things don't mix.

Lance handed over the sword, and the barkeeper handed over a beer. He was about to ask if he was going to take off his helmet before drinking the beer but lance had already deftly emptied the entire beer through the grill where his mouth probabally was.
Lance ordered another beer and then asked if there was an inn around, he didn't see one outside.

Barkeeper: Nope, no inn around here, i do have some rooms up stairs which im not using but it probabally isnt worth it to yo-

The barkeeper was interupted by lance slaming down at least 3 pounds of gold and valuable stones.

Barkeeper: Welcome aboard!!

He filled up a tall glass with beer and gave it to lance before he could finish his first one.

Lance smiled inwardly, the evil force had not touched this land yet. For now he was home. Perhaps it wasnt as good as his last home, but from no whores and no liqour to liqour this was a step up.

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