| Part one.
A young man, maybe 20 years old was standing on a side walk looking around cluelessly. He was gazing down the narrow streets looking for something. The signs displeased him, they didn't even appear to be english. This did not bode well with him. His clothing was tattered and probably inside out and for some reason he was carrying a large file. He also wore what appeared to be a burger king hat. A strong gale through the streets nearly knocked the man off his feet and did fully knock his hat off his head. It blew a few feet away and continued rolling, and the man was quick to be after it. Finally catching up to it, considering it had stopped moving, he leaned down on one knee and reached out for the headwear he had lost. He was temporarily distracted by a large looming shadow before he was crushed into the ground. Blood spreading from under the object dripped into large cracks which had been made in the ground.
The large meandering creature stopped as it heard and felt something go smush. It blinked curiously as it lifted up its foot and looked under it. The holes in its head which appeared to be eyes emulated a sickened expression as it put its foot on the side of a building and scraped off the offending matter. Satisfied that its foot was now clean it was about to continue on its way when it noticed a small paper object on the ground. The creature picked up the cardboard gently, and then after pausing a moment placed it on its head, and promptly went on its way. The flatened object, who up until recently was a living human, now laid on the side walk, still painting the ground with his blood enthusiastically.
"ouch," the mass of intestines and flesh muffled.
The signs on the vacant and abandoned streets were reading some kind of a foreign language. A radio came on from somewhere and a voice could be heard. It continued on for a few moments but was interupted by noises of struggle followed by the unmistakable sound of someones jugular getting some fresh air and then the sound of someone coming to the realization that he is completely and utterly beyond help and there is no way he will survive. The man would have also made mention on how strange it was that so much could have been conveyed through his gurgling, but he was dead before he could write it down or anything.
The mic had a little feedback, followed by some taping and then a brief silence.
"H-Hello? Hello? Hey is this thing o- err silly me, nevermind, killed em all." Some rustling of papers could be heard.
"Err....shit, i can't read japanese. Okay i'll wing it." There was a pause, as the voice may have been thinking, or it may have forgotten what it was doing, but what it really paused for was because it spilled its mountain dew.
"YOURE ALL DOOMED, EACH AND EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU, THE APOCOLYPSE IS AT HAND. OTAKU ARE WALKING THE STREETS UNMOCKED! XELLOS AND FILIA ARE DUE TO BE WED ON THURSDAY! GEORGE BUSH IS GETTING A SECOND TERM! ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE. And there is a gigantic creature walking about, mass hysteria and the like, maybe consider not going out today. Forecast: sunny, followed up by a blazing N2 inferno in the later day, and a light blood shower in the evening. Continued blood and gore through the..."
The sign was reading ?!@#!@$!@#!>?'s and general nonsense. Then finally print could be scene.
"Everyone is invited to the after mazoku-dragon-wedding festivities. Dress casual..."
A boy is listening to a phone. The boy had a puzzled expression on his face as the phone had a recorded message that was most likely someones last words.
"This maniac just broke into the building! He is exploding peoples heads with a golf club! Oh dear god! Help us al-" The voice was cut off by static.
The boy paused for a moment, before putting the phone back on the hook, then turning with a concerned expression and mumbling to himself, "I'll pretend i didn't hear that."
He pulled a picture out of his pocket and nearly passed out when he saw what it was. Stuffing pieces of tissue paper into his nose he chuckled a bit when he realized what was written on it.
It was a picture of misato drunk, covered in various liquids, busily doing something of an indecent nature. Written on its surface appeared to be a grocery list.
"Okay BEER. Then Junk food, cheesy puffs = good. And ice, NEED ice. And beer. Wait, already wrote that. Oh well, need LOTS of beer. And ice. Right."
Suddenly a blast of wind caught shinjis notice. Turning around he proceded scream like hell as a gigantic creature strolled through the city. It appeared to be wearing a paper hat of some kind.
Shinji appeared to be in deep thought.
Shinji bit his lip and quickly went off to find a bathroom chuckling nervously.
A rather large room held an operational display which two operators could be heard in the background quickly losing their minds. Convinced that the world was about to end they decided to quit nerv and find a closet to discuss the end of the world type things.
Above the operators station two men were standing obviously deep in thought. Their expressions spoke volumes about the seriousness of the matter.
Fuyutsuki leaned down and squirted the two birds with water to stop making them... you know.
Fuyutsuki: You know what this means?
Gendo: I'm afraid so.
Fuyutsuki: The birds are in heat again.
Driving down the street on the right side was an old, but undamaged station wagon. With a driver who appeared to have recently gone through the gears of a machine. This driver was also bitching to himself. However his bitching was more about missing some road and wondering where in the hell he was, and missing the 3 quarts of blood which he used to paint some sidewalk in some abandoned town.
Shinji was thinking that this was a dirty nasty act. A dirty nasty act that would be very embarising to him if he got caught. Some part of him told him that wasn't going to happen and he shouldn't worry about continuing. While another part of him said that some part of him was a horny idiot and didn't realize how the likely hood of getting caught doing this, despite the obvious chances was higher than some part of him could ever know. Some part of him then started bitching about being busy and not interested in putting up with another part of him's bullshit. While this argument was going on a tiny subconscious voice asked another part of him what he was talking about. And another part of him made mention about this whole thing being an anime and the likelyhood of being caught doing something like this was almost 100%. A tiny subconcious voice then started explaing to another part of him how that is breaking character and isn't allowed. Another part of him told a tiny subconcious voice to go to hell because it wouldn't feel shit when the wave of embarisment hit shinji. A tiny subconcious voice then told another part of him that that was tough shit, and if he didn't fall in line he was going to bring instinct in to kick another part of him's ass. The voices in shinji's head were interupted by shinji who said, "Are you guys still bickering 'cause i finished up like 2 minutes ago."
The voices in his head were having another long argument, some part of him was bitching at another part of him, teasing him that he was right, and commotion could be heard as instinct was coming on through to kick ass, but everything was interupted by the bathroom wall caving in and a beat up purple car sat there surviving the wrekage. Another part of him almost said, "i told you so." before instinct smacked him again.
Two voices could be heard arguing over subs and dubs and a third could be heard bitching at the other two that now is a better report-the-status-of-our-fuckdom time than a bitch-about-subs-and-dubs time. They were all in a heavy argument and were of absolutely no help. However that didn't matter very much because the generally level of fuckdom was so high that reporting it would be redudant and pointless.
On the other hand in another place 3 commanders of some army of some organization were being utterly amazed as decades of experiance in war operations were made totally useless.
One commander stared at the screens feeding out information and frowned heavily. He was very displeased about this enemy. All enemys up until this point could be smashyed by fully automatic weapons, and if not that a big buncha tanks and helicopters. He really wasn't happy about this enemy. How dare he not be blown up by his shiny tanks and planes. He had half a mind to call up the UN and tell them the enemy was being mean and not dying, but was interupted by his sub commanders ranting about how difficult the thing was being.
Meanwhile the 3rd angel was busily strolling through the streets and blinking curiously at the rows of tanks and mortor launchers having at him. He blinked a few more times and then was covered in flame as several missiles blew up in his face, he checked to make sure his BK hat was okay and then after seeing it had some singes on it, he blinked a few more times and then looked at the tanks and then after a brief flash of light the tanks went up to tank heaven. The sub commanders were making money noises continuing to be amazed about the mockery this enemy was making of modern warfare.
Gendo and fyutsuki were standing and observing the progress of the angel heavy in thought. Fuyutsuki leaned down and sprayed the birds and then stood back up and continued the conversation.
Fuyutsuki: I feel like a salad today.
Gendo: Really? I was thinking about chinese.
Fuyutsuki: Nah, how about a pizza?
Gendo: I doubt the pizza guy is going to make it here no matter how large a tip we give him.
Fuyutsuki: Have faith in the pizza boy. Don't underestimate his still-hot-when-delivered power!
Gendo: Okay, if he makes it here still fresh i owe you a coke.
Fuyutsuki: Although we really ought to deal with that angel thing, people don't seem to like it very much and it might screw up traffic. Gendo: Good point.
The commander was still arguing with himself, although the side that wanted to bitch to the UN about the rude behavior of this enemy was winning and he went to pick up the phone. However by the time his hand got to the phone it rang making him freeze in his tracks. Some voice in his head freaked thinking that the UN heard the voices in his head talking and were gonna come kill him now, the rational part of his mind shot that voice in the head for thinking something so utterly rediculous and the commander picked up the phone.
the rational mind and dead voice sighed in relief as it was just Lord pizza boy giving an OK to use the BFG. He nodded and hung up. The commander smiled, as he now didn't need to gather up the courage to bitch to the UN about the enemies rude behavior.
Shinji was in a state of panick, and a wave of shame washed over him. He heard another part of him wince in pain and a tiny subconscious voice saying, "sucks to be you," under his breath.
Shinji: "How the hell did you find me? You got X-ray vision!?"
Misatos passanger door opened and she got out coughing.
Misato: "Finally! I found you! I had to smash in the bathrooms of every building for 2 miles!"
Misato: "Well i figured since i still had this picture i meant to send you, that you would immediately go find a bathroom.
Shinji turned red with embarissment.
Misato: "Common, we gotta go."
Shinji got into misatos smashed, obliterated car, he wasn't sure why it was still running. He tried to put on a seat belt but it tore away from the side of the car as he tried to extend it. As they raced down the street shinji made note of the some-20 buildings with car shaped holes in them. He prayed that his death would be quick.
Just then, a huge inferno erupted out of the city, engulfing miles of city and totally annhiliating a BK hat. A smashed excuse for a purple car was blown away like a piece of litter.
The commander was happy. He was very happy. He nodded once, smiling, confirming his happiness. And just for good measure he nodded several more times. His sub commanders began to dance around and he, the commander, decided that now was a good opening to go get some coffee. When the commander got back, he sipped the coffee, blowing on it, and stopping every now and then to happily nod some more times.
Unfortunately the 2 sub commands soon stopped dancing and resumed hooting and howling about something.
The commander dropped his coffee once he realized the target was still intact and then forgot about the target completely and began to mourn for his lost coffee.
Elsewhere, Misato and Shinji were driving to the geofront and Misato was talking on a cellphone.
"Shinji?" She asked trying to juggle the phone and the steering wheel. "How much is the pine wicker set? I just love pine wicker."
Shinji was studying the magazine, but his focus was on the underwear section.
Misato gave Shinji a sly look, "Shinji, there are ladies present, aren't you ashamed?"
Shinji was locked into a gaze at the mens underwear section, but upon hearing that he jumped and began counter-accusal.
"Well at least i'm not a theif." Shinji said indignantly.
"What? A couple old batteries?" Misato scoffed.
"Yeah, a couple batteries and a huge, oversized truck, with the trailer, carrying god knows what." He said as the camera zoomed out revealing that misato had stolen a full sized truck.
*"born to be wild" starts playing*
In a smoldering crater that was the stage of a N2 explosion the survival rate for little cardboard hats is pretty low. Also the life expectancy for tears is not outstanding for such a location.
Sachiel stood bawling for his lost hat. Oh sure, he could go on to create 3rd impact. Sure, but what was the point? His hat was gone, incinerated right in front of him. Perhaps he could heal his body's wounds, but mental wounds? They last. The worst part was that there weren't even trace molecules left that Sachiel could break down over, so he just stood there taking in the horrifying reality of it.
He needed a new hat.
Fuyutsuki: It's my turn to be the cowboy!
Fuyuskui said crawling around on his hands and knees with Gendo on his back.
Gendo: I think it's your turn to shut the hell up.
Gendo said jerking the reins.
Commander: Uhh... am i interupting anything?
Gendo: No? Why do you ask?
Commander: Well, normally one does not find a full grown man dressed as a cowboy riding another man around with reins and stirups and whatnot.
Fuyusuki: He has a point.
Fuyusuki managed to get out despite the reins.
Gendo: Silence puppet!
Fuyusuki whimpered in submission.
Commander: Anyway, i've come to inform you of the very important issue - My big fucking bomb didn't blow up the thingy! And it made me spill my coffee! It's mean! I want you to tell it to stop being mean.
One of the birds feel backwards off its perch, and the other bird just gapped at the scene.
Bird2: You would think you would have to pay for this kind of entertainment.
---Back to the cruising truck---
"Do you even know how to drive a truck?" Shinji asked.
Immediately after he asked that, the truck smashed through 4 parked cars, and then ran over a rack of bikes, and smashed into 3 signs in the row. Once shinji was pretty certain that the carnage was over, he gave Misato a Told-You-So look. Misato looked puzzled.
"Of course i know how to drive a truck." She said, and after seeing Shinji about to protest she added, "We didn't slow down."
Shinji was wide mouthed, ready to bitch her out, but after that comment he just closed his mouth and muttered dammit under his breath.
"So where we goin'?" Shinji asked.
"Geo-Front, Evangelions, Lillith's egg, your dad's work." Misato tried to whisper that last part.
"ACK! No! No! I refuse! You'll have to kill me firs-" He was cut off by a rather large hand gun being pointed at his mouth. Misato seemed indifferent, like her hand was not her own.
"err... No, I think i'm good with that."
Misato smiled and put her gun away.
"Are we taking a train there?" Shinji asked after a while.
"Maybe." She answered.
"What do you mean 'Mayb-'" Shinji silenced himself after being held at gunpoint again.
---Meanwhile, at the Geo Front---
Deep in the silver pyramid known as Nerv, a very disorianted man, who looked like he had been through the gears of a machine was debating with the vending machine over it not giving him the shiny candy looking stuff.
SI: "I put 2 whole dollars into you and you wont gimme mah candy!"
SI: "Oh, the silent treatment, eh?"
SI: "Why do you have to bring that up, it was an honest mistake."
SI: "Do i flaunt your failures in your face?"
SI: "Okay, maybe i do, but does that give you the right to steal?"
SI: "Oh, i see, i didn't realize that's how it works here."
SI: "What does Steppen Wolf have to do with this?"
SI: "You're being unreasonable, now i pride myself on my even temper and cool attitude but if-HEY HEY! THAT'S IT!"
The SI began to beat the machine mercilessly, doing absolutely nothing to it except give it a nice massage. Although the SI had unlimited energy as was not to give up so easi- no, i'm sorry. A kitty walked by and the SI lost interest in the vending machine.
Ritsuko: "I found this guy wandering the halls chasing after a cat we have no idea how got in here, Gendo."
Ritsuko: "And more importantly, what do you plan to do with the angel, and that crap?"
Gendo: "Let's invite him in for eggnog."
Fuyutsuki: "But we're out of eggno-"
Gendo: "Silence slave!" *lashes his whip*
Ritsuko: "So, should i launch eva 1 or something?"
Gendo: "Make it so!"
Fuyutsuki: "Can you get off my back? I think i feel a disc slippin-" WooTSHH
SI: "I can make eggnog."
Gendo: "Make it so!!!!!"
Ritsuko took roughly 2.135 steps out of the door before the realization struck her, leaving a rather unsightly bruise. She rushed back into the room and was about to declare the problem, but the strange man gave her an odd look.
SI: "Whoa, ritsuko, did you walk into a bar or something?"
Ritsuko ignored it momentarily, "We need a pilot, without a pilot it wont work!"
Gendo: "Oh? Send Rei, she should be in my personal whore house."
Ritsuko: *cough* "Uhh no... she is in the hospital, she got her ass thrashed, remeber?"
Gendo: "Yes, my whore house, now go fetch her, i grow tired of this ride."
Fuyutsuki: "What? I am what right no-" WooTSSH.
---This signifies a scene change---
SI: "Hey, you ever think about removing the head objects, like steel beams, that you have glued to the ceiling? They seem like they may be hazordous."
Gendo: "Nonsense. Now bring forth the Nerv Official Whore!"
A gurne with a bandaged girl was pushed out onto the little bridge they were all standing on. She tried to get up but she was obviously not in moving condition.
Gendo: "Now! The Ritualistic oral sex shall begin!"
There was a pause and a random intern came out onto the bridge and whispered something into Gendo's ear. He then scampered off.
Gendo: "No! I'm sorry, That is tomorrow!"
Before anyone could say more stupid things Ritsuko began explaining a load of techno babel to distract Gendo while they prepared Rei. There was a small dramatic scene, where i became disturbingly obvious how much pain rei was experiancing, and then the SI decided to act.
SI: I shall take the ring to mordo-err, no! no! I mean, i shall pilot the evangelion!
Ritsuko: You can't pilot it, only certain people can use the eva's.
SI: No! Fear not! I am a self-insertion, i am therefore god! I have ultimate power! feeeer meeeee!
The SI was flailing around continuing to babel about being all powerful, and rei was still being preped. It was at that moment when they all paused, they heard some kind of music playing, but it was far off.
"....Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space..."
Ritsuko: "What is that?"
SI: "All powerful!! My power is absolute! All shall bow before me!"
Fuyutsuki: "Sounds like american rock and roll."
Suddenly the round started shaking and the wall opposite to the evangelion exploded and a large metal object flew out.
"....Born to be wild....Born to be wild..."
SI: "PHENOMANAL COSMIC POWE-urk!"
The SI was caught by the front of the object and in a flurry of blood and organs flew into the wall the eva was resting on. The mass then drifted down into the water slowly.
The smashed metal object opened up revealing Misato and Shinji. Shinji was entangled in the remaining metal of the truck, or more accurately the truck was entangled in the scared frozen clutches of shinji.
Gendo: "Oh my god! You kill the SI! How can we ever repay you!"
Misato: "I got even better news, i found a new pilot!"
Gendo: "Oh really, who is it? The UPS guy?"
Shinji tumbled out of the tattered shambles of the truck and gasped, "I'm alive! I'm alive!" He looked at his father, "My dad's alive too! ...Dammit!!"
Gendo: "Ahh... my little plaything!"
Rei gave Gendo a dirty look.
Gendo: "Ahh... my little non-rei plaything!"
Ritsuko: "Look, this is no time for an adam's family reunion, we got a mission to fuckup."
Gendo: "Right! Hop in the evangelion shinji!"
Shinji was waiting for the punch line, and after several long agonizing moments, when the punchline didn't come it took both misato and ritsuko to pry shinji's hands off Gendo's neck.
Shinji: "Alright, i'll pilot it, but on one condition."
Fuyutsuki: "Money?-" WooTSSH.
Gendo: "A personal horsey, like mine?"
Ritsuko: "A high powered rifle?"
Misato: "Access to Rei?"
Shinji: "Just alot of underwear magazines... Although that last thing sounds nice too."
Gendo: "That's my boy!"
---20 minute later---
Gendo: "Wait, i think i found the keys, no no, those arent _Those_ keys."
Ritsuko: "I can't believe you lost the keys."
Misato: "Does anyone know how to hotwire an eva?"
SI: "I do! I know everything!! I am all powerful!"
There was a rumble most likely caused by the arrival of the angel, causing debris to fall in the eva's containment chamber. Fortunately all the debris was heading for area's where people weren't standing when suddenly...
The evangelion's arm reach out, and skillfully deflected an iron bar to hit the SI, impaling him.
SI: "URK! Oh dear GOD! The pain! It went right THROUGH ME! Is that my liver?! Looks healthier than i had imagined- OH SWEET JESUS!"
It was at that moment when the eva's hand moved again and proceded to beat the pile of flesh...
SI: "I can't feel my legs! All is lost, ahhh-"
"I'm dead agai-"
"You can stop!"
it continued to beat the pile of flesh until it was no longer recognizable as human in the first place.
Misato: "Okay, good, that's done. Now back to the eva."
Gendo: "Yes, slave?"
Fuyutsuki: "Did you use the eva's keys for last nights activites?"
Gendo: "Ahh!! Yes!! I know where they are!"
Misato and Ritsuko turned many unhealthy shades and gave Fuyutsuki a sickening look.
Fuyutsuki: "It isn't as bad as it looks, well, yes it is, but eh, it's a living."
Gendo came back after a long moment, and tried to give ritsuko the keys. Ritsuko jumped back and kept backing up as he kept offering them.
Gendo: "What's wrong."
Ritsuko opened her mouth, about to go off on a tangent, but what if she misinterpretted activities? Then she thought of a brilliant idea, a devilish idea, that only her mind could come up with.
Ritsuko: "I think misato should turn the eva on!"
Misato: "What? Bullshit, you're the scientist."
Ritsuko: "Fuck that, i aint touching that key."
Misato: "Neither am i goddamn it!"
Gendo just looked at them bicker dumbfounded. He looked to Fuyutsuki for an answer but he just shrugged.
While ritsuko and misato were busily engaged in mortal combat shinji made a wonderful suggestion.
Shinji: "Just gimme the keys and get outa the way."
The whole room was taken aback by shinji's sudden backbone. Despite shinji being this out of character they noticed it.
Shinji grabbed the keys and started making his way over to the eva. Obvious not in a strait line.
Ritsuko: "Misato, did you let him get into your beer?"
Misato: "He better not have, that beer is mine! My own, my precious."
Ritsuko: "Aight, enough of that, lets just get him going, the angel is probabally up there right now trying to get in here."
The angel had almost gotten over the loss of its BK hat. And while the volkswagon it had used as a replacement would never totally take the place in Sachiel's heart that that BK hat had had, he was somewhat satisfied. But the perfect balance which it had maintained over the car was lost once it tried to move. The car fell off, was smashed and Sachiel broke into tears again.
Sachiel had fallen to it's knees and was picking signs out of the ground, crumbling them and tossing them away. Maybe it was too obsessed with hats. Maybe i need a change of headgear. A mask might do me good!
it was at that moment when the ground opened up and a large purple humanioid shaped robot stepped out of a small crate like building, which came out of the opening in the ground.
Sachiel stood up and instantly fell in love with the mask before it. Sachiel started towards Eva-01 and all the while ritsuko was barking commands at shinji, all of which were going right over his head, since he was still preoccupied with the LCL.
Shinji: "No, seriously, i think im gonna be sick. You need to get some grape flavored LCL or something."
Ritsuko: "Well what do you expect i can do about it now?!"
Shinji: "Nothing, but bitching is comforting."
Misato: "Look, no deal if you don't beat that angel, no rei, no high power rifle, no underwear magazines."
Shinji: "Noooooo!" Shinji bellowed as best as one could bellow through LCL.
Shinji grabbed the controls and began flailing like an idiot inside the cockpit, and outside the eva stood completely and utterly still. And it continued to stand still....
Suddenly one of the arms reached up and scratched its head, and then drifted back down.
Ritsuko: "Whoa, what the hell?"
Shinji: "What?" He said scratching his cheek.
Misato: "Listen, shinji, you need to WILL the eva to move!"
Shinji as, we all know, is a character known for his incredible willpower. A character known for staying cool under pressure and never letting his friends down.
Shinji grinned and immediately the eva croached down and sprang up into the air, and executed a beatiful spin and turn in mid air, and landed on the ground softly, doing no damage to the street. He posed several times and then began doing sommersalts and rolls. He jumped lightly, once, twice, and launched itself at the angel.
Shinji could be heard cackling in delight, he/the eva were running forward with the utmost ease. He had absolute control, the eva was an extension of himself, and the eva's strength gave shinji such a feeling of power.
And just as Shinji was about to strike the angel misato pipped up.
Misato: "Wait, wait... I think we misread the script, I think we were reading a description for Ranma, or Guts, or somebody, but Shinji is described as a quiet boy with a low self esteem, so you can't pilot the eva that well."
Shinji: "What!? That sucks!" Shinji said indignantly as the Eva faltered and fell face first into the ground, skidding several hundred feet.
The Angel came up, grabbed the Evangelion by the head and lifted it off the ground.
Shinji: "Well... Shit."
End of Part 1.